What Baby Goats Can Teach Actors

It is the things we are most passionate about that make us want to bang our head against a wall.

I have lived on a farm all my life and, believe you me, it's the kind of work that makes you question why you are even doing it in the first place. It's hard. There's a lot of disappointment, like when some rodents get to your root vegetable crops or an opossum gets in the chicken lot and cleans house or when you bury the horse you've had since you were eight. And most jobs are chronic. No matter how many times you shovel, the horses still poop.

But we keep farming, out of the belief that it's crucial to who we are or the world around us. Or out of pure stubbornness. Or because we get those moments we live for, like after a hard afternoon of shoveling, my sweet horse Loretta rests her chin on my shoulder. Or when you open the barn door and are met with this...

Nothing is more perfect or wonderful to me as a farm girl than a healthy newborn baby goat. Within an hour of their birth, they can stand and feed themselves. Within days, they are jumping from objects twice their height. They have fantastically cute little noses. Honestly, they make me make tiny, high pitched noises. They make it worth all the fence repairs and tackling their mothers and aunties when they prey upon the garden.

Baby goats are the moments as an actor when you are reminded of why you do what you do. When you move an audience member in ways even they never expected. When you nail that performance. When you score that role. When your mentors tell you that they're proud of you. Those are baby goats. Treasure them. Soon they will grow up and start tearing down fences and eating arugula of their own.

Inspired by "Fearlessness"

I've been working on a bunch of applications lately, hoping to find an internship for my relocation to Chicago or further training opportunities. I've been calling it my "Application Bonanza." One of them required a one-page statement on something that inspires me. I wasn't really sure where I was going when I started writing this, but it ended up being an introspective piece that speaks on an idea that I, along with many actors, covet. Here it is.

In art and in life, I am inspired by fearlessness. Or, I should say, what is perceived as fearlessness, because I believe the truth of that concept lies in the willingness to face a fear, no matter how overwhelming it is. Every day as artists, we make a choice about how far out on the ledge we put ourselves and the composure we keep while there. In my eyes, fearlessness is a combination of these two elements as well as the confidence necessary to do it over and over again. I envy the actors that I hear described as 'fearless', knowing that my work in the past has been described as 'fearful'. I can't imagine that any human is completely devoid of trepidation when attempting to truthfully bare the character's emotions and desires within themselves and sometimes failing, so I have been observing myself and others for the key to being perceived as without fear, not only as an actor but also in everyday life.

I think of Josephine Baker, who was revolutionary because of her style of dancing and because of the fact that she was a black woman in the 1920's who was revered all over the world. Not only that, she became a major figure of the French resistance during World War II. In a time when her culture was still expected to keep their heads down, she was carrying resistance documents across boarders with what I'm sure was a fabulous and alluring air, but I can only imagine the heart-pounding paranoia she must have felt. She also integrated Carnegie Hall and was bisexual, all the while she had a pet cheetah named Chiquita. So much for keeping her head down. I'm inspired by her strong convictions, by her poise while keeping them, by her determination to see them through. In a word, I am inspired by her fearlessness.

I think of Eve Ensler, who was a theatre artist living in New York who wrote The Vagina Monologues, not for her own benefit, but to give a voice to women who are otherwise unheard. In doing so, she made herself face her own past and also opened a dialog about something that our culture—and many others—simply don't talk about. She talked about vaginas in public and she talked about them in first person, as if they were her own, which takes immense confidence. In doing so, she has put a spotlight on vaginas and violence against women, a spotlight which shines all over the world now. She continues to stare down her fears as she travels to countries and talks to women who have endured what most Americans can't imagine. Then she brings it home and describes it, even when it is not something the world wants to hear. I imagine how many times she must have thought about not doing the first production of The Vagina Monologues. (She even wrote “When I first read these monologues, my most pressing concern was being able to get the words out of my terrified mouth.”) I imagine her unease at revealing her own past and her own insecurities. And yet she went further out onto the ledge and with each new publication, she continues to push the envelope with confidence that betrays her own fear that she has entrusted to her followers.

I can think of many others, but my page is almost full. With them, as with Josephine Baker and Eve Ensler, I admire their ability to see through the fear they are met with with a confidence that fools boarder patrol and audiences alike. I aspire to that level of fearlessness—the combination of bravery and confidence—that makes great people and great actors. I work on it every day, when I keep myself from worrying about a flub in rehearsal or by refusing to wait by the phone after an audition, or by blatantly admitting to you, a stranger, what goes through my head when I hear someone call another actor 'fearless': envy, admiration, and determination.

Valuables

On Friday, I returned from a 12-day trip to England--a trip primarily made to watch my brother's graduation from Durham University. Of course, that was only one part of one day, so I did plenty of other things, including drinking lots of pints and eating lots of pub food.

I had lots of beautiful things to say to you about England. Words like 'brooding', and thoughts about how it is most certainly Shakespeare's country, even today. But I can't share the sentiments I had then with you now because I don't have them anymore.

We left Wales last Wednesday morning en route to London, with stops planned at Avebury to see the standing stone circle and at Salisbury to see a more famous bunch of rocks, Stonehenge. After a little navigational mayhem, we made it to the first destination. It was cold and misting heavily. While my hair had spoken to me that morning and said "rockabilly", it was quickly veering toward "tribble." (And I'm sorry if you got that joke without looking it up.) The weather made a perfect atmosphere for walking amongst the ancient circle.

 

It also seemed appropriate for what greeted us when we returned to our rental car. 

I remained relatively calm as I realized that my mother and I had been victimized. I was even pretty chill when I saw that my backpack was the only thing that was taken, but when I remembered that my acting journal was in my bag, I lost it.

I remember the day I bought my journal. My movement teacher, Martin, had given my class a lecture about how we should respect our journals and our reflections on our craft, how the spiral-bound notebooks and stapled notebook paper we'd been turning in wasn't good enough. He told us that when he moved to the east coast from California, it was the box of his journals that he was most concerned about. I went to my university bookstore and walked up to the sketchbooks. I knew immediately that it was mine. It was the last one, bright red on a black shelf, with big, empty pages, and a strong elastic around it to keep it closed. I bought it and stapled the pages that I had been turning in to Martin on the first page. The next time I turned my journal in to him, he wrote in it something along the lines of, "I love this book. It shows the importance of what's inside."

When I last had my journal, it had stickers inside the front cover, and the cover was peeling back on the edge where I'd bumped it somewhere. The elastic was loose and pointless. It was close to full. It is a classic case of not knowing what you have until it's gone. You'd better believe I realized what I lost when I walked up and down the road by the car park, literally sobbing, hoping to see it discarded in the ditch. The rockabilly makeup went to hell too. I felt like a fool for not protecting it, for thinking no one would take a bag full of things without any monetary value, for not listening to the signs that the world had given me. 

I cried and cried. I still cry a little. The police took notes and said they'd look for my "bits" but I know that somewhere in Avebury or nearby, the penmarks are melting away and the pages are giving way to pulp in the cold English rain. No police officer, no matter how charming, realizes that one of my "bits" was actually a huge piece of my understanding of myself and my craft. I feel as though I've gone backwards.

This post is partly mourning--literal mourning. It is also partly me asking you to think about what is valuable to you. I saw a dozen signs that day instructing me to not leave valuables in the car. I took that to mean my iPod and my wallet, which were with me, thinking no one would take a backpack with two American Theatre magazines, an extra pair of underwear, and a copy of the French Lieutenant's Woman. I would trade money for my journal any day.

We never got to Stonehenge. Pinched for time after taping a trash bag over the empty window and speaking to the police, we went straight to London. I had planned to copy all those beautiful words about Shakespeare's "brooding" country out of my journal. That's what I meant when I said I don't have them anymore. I only have fragments. I am re-defining the word "valuables" for myself. And maybe--hopefully--for some of you too.

Mottos for 2012

I hope all of my readers are having a wonderful holiday season (that includes you, person who found me by searching 'girls underarms and boobs'. Welcome to my acting blog.) and are feeling good about what's been accomplished in the past year. (Take a look at my post on creating an annual review.) For myself, I'm feeling frustrated when I look back at the past year. When I look at where I am now compared to where I was late December, 2010, I can't find anything that's really changed. There have been some great events, like working at Perry-Mansfield and doing my first professional show, but it still feels as though I haven't grown much. I'm still living with my mom. I feel stuck and incredibly unproductive, as much as I talk big about efficiency here. I should be taking advantage of this free time and living situation, but the reality is I haven't even opened the past two issues of American Theatre.

I'm not sure why I feel uninspired, but continuing to live at home is not helping. So by this time next year, I hope to look back on this post and see how much has changed this time around. Aside from the goals I set in my Year In Review post, I've also been coming upon themes/mottos for next year in my journaling (which I've been much better about--not perfect, mind you, but better).

JUST START--This was the first motto that came up when I was initially battling lack of motivation. It worked decently well, to the point that it became not about starting, but sticking with it in my second theme. At the moment, however, I may need to revisit this one.
COMMIT--If I start something, it often has a hard time transitioning into a regime. For example, it's been a week since I worked out. I need to work on the repetition essential to forming habits.
TAKE TIME TO ADVENTURE--I have friends with fabulous international jobs and, to be perfectly honest, I'm pretty jealous of them. I feel as though I am tied down by my career, that if I don't slave away at it constantly and currently, my time will expire. Au contraire. In many of the workshops and talk-backs I had the pleasure of attending in college, the speakers emphasized the idea that we have time. Not only that, but I believe that the best way to understand the lives we portray is to experience the life we are given.
DO ONE THING EVERY MONTH TO FEEL FABULOUS--I'm ready to leave the self-conscious, only moderately successful, poorly-dressed actor that I was in college behind me when I move. I want to give Chicago a version of me that looks and feels confident without compromising whatever eccentricities that are inherently me. My favorite blue cardigan with the hole in it will have to go. Every month, I will do one thing to make me feel a little less dorky and a little more polished.

Have a happy new year everyone! Hydrate today and stay safe tonight. Tomorrow, we (stop having Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathons with my cat and Netflix and) start anew.

Audition #8: Barter Theatre

In my last post, I said I was going to try and post twice a week. Not really sure when I planned on starting that, but clearly it wasn't before now. Oops. But hey, there's always a new week ahead to try again.

A week ago, I went up to Abingdon, VA to take part in the Barter Theatre's general auditions as well as their auditions for the Barter Players, a troupe of 6 actors who have graduated college or have equivalent training. Here's how the day went...

Date: December 11, 2011
Acting audition: 11:00
Dance audition: 12:15
Player interview: 6:30
Auditioned For: AD Richard Rose and others
Pieces:Vianne from the novel Chocolat by Joann Harris
Bess from Hunting and Gathering by Brooke Berman
Attire: Dark purple jacket layered with yellow cardigan and gray tank
Denim trousers
Brown oxfords

The auditions for Barter were held at their alternative space, Barter Stage II, which is a lovely building with a cafe that is open before and after performances and looks across the street at the main stage. When I arrived, I was greeted by Casting Assistant Kevin Dmytryka, who had me fill out some forms and return them with my three copies of my headshot and resume. Then I milled about the cafe area with the other waiting actors. If any of my dear readers audition at Barter next year, I want to give you a heads-up: There is no place to warm up. The cafe is right outside the theatre itself, so do your vocal warm-ups before you arrive!

The folks at Barter are very organized and will take good care of you. They announce a whole set of auditioners and will have two people on deck while one is auditioning. They are quick to smile and make the whole process as painless as possible.

A tangent: A week or so before I went to this audition, I talked on the phone to my good friend Richard McKenzie, who is one of those actors that you've seen or heard plenty of times before but can just never quite place him.

Richard McKenzie as Fred Bunker in All In The Family

Dick is a fabulous storyteller, so when I told him I was auditioning for the Barter, a theatre he has worked at, he was off to the races. He said when he auditioned, his number was 13. He was waiting offstage, watching number 12 do an intense monologue from The Master Builder and she ran off into the wings and into Dick's arms, crying and shaking. He said, "I thought, if she's this scared, then I'm outta here!" He left the building, walked across the alley and was going to leave before the stage manager caught him: "Are you number 13? Get in here, they're waiting for you!" So he went and auditioned and was hired. "If I had made it to my car, I never would have been an actor." (If you go to the Barter and look directly above the door into the box office, you'll see Dick's rather cynical-looking head shot.)

When my name was up, I was the very first of the set and was a little caught off-guard, but marched into the space (which is a very intimate thrust stage) while the stage manager announced my name and number... Number 13. I couldn't help but smile, thinking of Dick... and also that I didn't have to face number 12 running into my arms.

I tried to keep the pace up with Vianne, which resulted in me feeling like I wasn't thinking at all. Of course, this may be beneficial for me. I'm notorious for chewing things up and mulling them over too much before getting them out of my mouth, but when I take the direction of just picking up the pace, I don't "feel" anything (us actors always wanting to be sentimental). I am completely unable to judge whether my performance benefits from quicker speech and reduced (or quickened?) thought. All that is to say, I really don't know how well Vianne went. I do know that I kind of settled into things, including my breath, for Bess. Her monologue felt much more present with clearer tactical shifts and the last line got a laugh (internal squeak of joy). I feel fairly confident overall with the acting auditions.

Barter Stage II. Phenomenal cosmic powers! Itty bitty living space.

 When you register for the auditions, you are given the option of attending the dance call, which is encouraged. As someone who has two left feet, I say do the dance call. I actually had a ton of fun. You will have a chance to change and warm up. The combination they teach everyone is not advanced and they take time to help you with rough spots and give you alternatives if you are unable to do certain choreography. They teach the combination to the group as a whole, then they will select some people to stay to learn more advanced choreography while the rest go into another room to work on what they've learned and help each other. Once everyone has had time to review, they pull auditioners in 4 or 5 at a time to perform the audition. Smile a lot. If you mess up, do it big. And do only what you can do. I had a blast.

My mom and I spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying Abingdon, making fun of how fancy the Martha Washington Inn is, and poking around out in the boonies. Then I napped a little before my last appointment: the Barter Player interview with Katy Brown, Artistic Director of the Players and Associate Director. She meets with everyone all together first to tell candidates the following:

• This is not for everyone.
• This might not be for you.
• You will work your toosh off.
• It is a 15 month contract.
• There is very little time off.
• This might not be for you (again) and if you decide not to have an interview, we will not hold it against you and you will still be considered for other roles.

Challenge: Accepted 

But really, it is a helluva long commitment and she is right. That sort of thing isn't for everyone. But I see myself in a state of transition, headed toward moving to Chicago, a direction that could be changed. I am in a position where I could take on 15 months of working my toosh off. So I had an interview. She is very pleasant and straight-forward. She mostly asked me about my resume, but she did ask what I am specifically working on with my acting right now and the dreaded "Do you sing at all?" I almost got through the day without having to sing, but alas, she got a nice little rendition of Happy Birthday. She told me they would be in touch with candidates in February and March for another interview and that was pretty much it, I thanked her and said I had to get home and feed my farm animals, which started some chitchat about milking (her sister also has goats!). I like to find out a little bit about the person asking all the questions.

Then I headed home to some hungry ponies.

I had a fantastic day in Abingdon, as long as it was. I feel confident about my work and I enjoyed meeting a few new people in the time in between auditions and interviews. I find that an organization is reflected in the people that keep it running and the people that it attracts and everyone that I ran into at the Barter--whether they were teaching a dance combination or announcing auditioners or auditioning themselves--were warm and welcoming. It seems like a lovely, nurturing place to be. Even if they never call me, I will definitely be back to see some more shows!

A Year In Review

Friday the 18th marked the 1-year anniversary of the completion of my degree. It's weird enough to graduate. It's even weirder to have graduated a year ago. When I left college, I was completely exhausted and plans for the coming year aside from "move" and "get a job" weren't really taken into consideration. I have my momentum back and I am going to take this anniversary as an opportunity to review the past year and create goals to reach before next November 18th.

I've never conducted an annual review, so I have been referencing some of Ben Whitehair's posts from Playbills v. Paying bills (here and here) as well as his source, Chris Guillebeau here (includes a spreadsheet template for your own annual review) and here.

Looking Back
Stats 
7 Auditions
1 Call-Back
1 Role

34 Blog Posts, including this one (approx. 1.6 per week)
Approaching 2,000 pageviews

?? Headshots dispersed (several hard copies and plenty of digital copies)

What Went Well
I did well this year to take advantage of opportunities (sometimes unexpected) that came my way, including my time as a camp counselor. During that time, I tapped into skills I didn't even know I had, leadership and working well with kids, which I hope to continue to develop. There is also something to be said for getting an acting job while living with my mom in the middle of nowhere. Not only am I proud of getting the role, I am also proud of my performance. While I was working on the show, I developed a strong relationship to the artistic director of the theatre and I think the relationships I've formed and maintained have been a highlight of the past year.

What Did Not Go Well
It has been a challenge to find ways to motivate myself to work at full capacity, knowing there's nowhere I need to be in the morning, no due dates, and no professors who's respect I want to earn. It's just been me, sans schedule and time restrictions and, while I have gotten some things done this year, the level of my productivity is disappointingly low. I also had every intention of being in Chicago by now, which may have been possible with better planning and budgeting. The extra time at home will inspire more restlessness, I think, but possibly also generate a little more money for when the time does come to move.

Looking Forward
Guillebeau suggests creating categories and setting 3 to 5 goals for each one. So here it goes:

Acting (artistic):

• Read the rest of Shakespeare's plays.
• See 15 plays.
• Enroll in an acting class. (Auditioning?)
• Bring monologue repertoire up to 10 total (5 classical and 5 contemporary). 
• Journal every day. Yeah. Every day. I think about acting that often, therefore I can write about it that often. 

Acting (business):

• Increase blog postings to twice a week, possibly add interviews and reviews.
• Increase tweets to 2+/day
• Send out mailings every quarter.
• Send out professional email every quarter.

Financial:

• Create a budget and stick to it.
• Set up retirement fund and contribute $20/month.
• Set up credit.

Health and Fitness:

• Run a 5k.
• Flexibility--To be able to sit and bend at the hip with elbows resting between legs. To be able to hold bottoms of outstretched feet.
• Join a soccer team.
• Largely replace snacks with more protein and veggies and less salt and fat. (So this one's not really measurable. Whatever. You know what I'm sayin'.)

Friends and Family:

• Send friends mail or goodies at least once a month.
• Return home for Renaissance Fair and/or Christmas.
• Date night with Chris once a week, even if we stay in.

 Other Jobs: 

• Set up etsy site and have steady supplies of cards and coasters.
• Put out advertisement for baby, pet, and house sitting every 2 weeks.
• Add self to care.com.

Habits To Pick Up:

• Knitting
• Sewing
• Get back to writing fiction and poetry. 
• Driving (No, I still don't drive. Don't make fun of me.)
• Paper crafts/Collage

I realize that some of these goals are subject to change, as I will soon be in a new city with new challenges and there will be a lot of adjusting in many aspects of my life. Many of the goals are created specifically for once I am settled in Chicago. I didn't quite make it there this year, but when people ask when I'm moving, I say "In the spring" or "April or May." I no longer preface my answer with "Hopefully" or end it with "...but we'll see." It has been set in motion. Another post coming soon about the steps I'm taking to prepare, but until then, let me know your goals for 2012 or in general!

Boarding the Pan Am Soapbox

I have been a sorry excuse for a blogger lately, especially considering how consistent I was earlier this year! But I've still been making progress--mostly in other areas of my life. I'm deep-cleaning my house, and I put my room in an order that I think I can deal with while I live here for one more winter. I also had a highly stressful yard sale to help put away money for the big move. It didn't quite go the way I wanted to--my boyfriend and I argued a lot and the first weekend was the coldest we've had since last winter. But we gleaned about $200 out of it, which is tucked away in my little Chicago tin.

I've also been watching some tv (aka hulu) including my old faves: "Fringe", "Community", etc. I've watched "New Girl" with Zooey Deschanel. What's going on there? It's given me some good laughs, but I'm not sure where that's headed. For example: where did Coach go? I haven't watched the third episode. I hope he's back, but I doubt it. Thoughts? But I've also discovered "Pan Am".

Period tv shows are in vogue lately, such as "the Tudors" (okay, so that's real period) and especially "Mad Men". I think it has been a wise choice for "Pan Am" to ride on the coattails of the latter, using the previously-generated glamor of bob haircuts and beautiful '50s and '60's costumes to attract a pre-fabricated audience. While I haven't watched a whole lot of "Mad Men", I think the role of women is important in both of these shows. In "Pan Am", we are following a small group of women who have found a way around what Betty Friedan calls "The Problem That Has No Name" in her book, the Feminine Mystique. Mid-century housewives were widely reported to be depressed and restless, feeling as though their life was incomplete and they had nothing to look forward to. The Pan Am stewardess was maybe the first of a line of exceptions that would eventually lead to second wave feminism, which makes for a pretty incredible group of people to follow from season to season.

I hope television is on the path toward reforming the way women are represented, that maybe that one scene where Christina Ricci stabs the passenger with a serving fork for trying to get in her girdle is another first in a line of exceptions. I'm afraid that it isn't, because not only has Pan Am's rating dropped 27% this week but media that continues to perpetuate the idea of woman that we all are familiar with. Like this one, from the Spike TV website geared towards men:

Or this one, from Victoria's Secret (for women...?):

Not a whole lot of difference in what the image is projecting, except that Victoria's Secret is working a little harder to show off the bra. (Side note: Nobody's armpits are ever that smooth. Jus' sayin'.) Then there's Dr. Pepper, who has decided that their ad campaign for their new diet soda is...

USA Today says that not only are the commercials for this product saying things like "Hey ladies. Enjoying the film? Of course not. Because this is our movie and this is our soda," and "You can keep the romantic comedies and lady drinks. We're good" but that the facebook page for Dr. Pepper Ten has an app "that allows it to exclude women from viewing content."

I'm totally cool with men being manly and I don't drink diet soda anyway. It isn't the elevation of manhood that bothers me. I love men. I love my boyfriend. I love a shirtless Hugh Jackman.

Nobody has to tell me "sex sells" goes both ways. I just think it's time to find a way to elevate the men that we love without degrading what it is to be a woman. The documentary "Miss Representation" looks into the media's effect on women, how women make up 51% of the population and only 17% of Congress, and how even those women who have made it to the top are degraded. The film is centered around what Marie Wilson, the Founding President of the White House Project says:

You can't be what you can't see.

The media is a powerful tool that can be used to anyone's advantage and, as I am speaking to artists and performers, I'm hoping I can plant a little seed in your mind. It's time something changed. Women don't want to be better than men. We love our men. Our importance is lost without men, as theirs is without ours. We just want to be equal. And as media professionals, I believe we can do something about it. Welcome aboard.

Relevant Links:
Miss Representation website
The White House Project
Topeka, Kansas Considers Decriminalizing Domestic Violence To Save Money: In the comments section, a woman named Melissa L Jacobs has posted a link to a petition.
Eve Ensler's V-Day: V-Day is in February. If you were thinking of hosting an event, it's time to start planning!